Rewriting memories

I love God and I love His words. How they are life and healing. I’ll never get tired of His voice. I haven’t always heard it well but I love it when He speaks. I feel like Heaven is kissing me. I love healing and I love it how God rewrites our stories into something beautiful even when they seem broken. If you know me you’ll know I chase breakthrough and healing passionately, sometimes to a fault. I’ve had so much counselling, ministry and purposely put myself in a lot of situations that terrify me to try and get past things.

A lot of people know about this but I struggled with self esteem and confidence my whole life and people bullying me for not looking the way they felt a girl should. I struggled a lot as a teenager. Words are so powerful. When I was 17 some people I didn’t know made a blog about me taking photos from a online profile I had at the time and discussed how I looked. They called it ‘ugly people’ and made some pretty mean comments.

Someone linked me to it and I read the comments about what strangers were saying about me and my life appeared to disintegrate after that.

God graciously led me through a lot of healing after that I never thought was possible. However, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get past this wall that there was some truth in that blog even know I knew that wasn’t what God was saying about me.

At the end of September I went away with my revival group for a few days called ‘retreat’. I didn’t know what to expect, I’d heard people quite often had breakthroughs here and I wasn’t sure how that would look but on our second day of retreat I had a breakthrough. I don’t really know how to articulate what happened to me that day and I think I’m still figuring that out. Some in the group were sharing different things in order to bring breakthrough in their lives. After sharing we would identify a lie that we might be believing and then identify the truth (I cried through an ocean of kleenex).

I shared about the blog and the lie that I wasn’t beautiful. My revival group pastor then asked me what I felt God was saying the truth was. I paused for a moment and I felt I heard Him say ‘you’re the bride I want’. My pastor then asked everyone in the room to stand up and go and grab me and look me in the eyes and tell me that I’m beautiful before we finished (70 people who I knew and liked but hadn’t known for long).

It was like these walls inside me came crumbling down. I cried so much and had to stop myself falling to the ground as person after person loved me true. I knew they all believed it and all wanted to be there too. I actually can’t remember all of it. It was like ruthless ocean of love disintegrated the walls in my heart in between beauty and ashes. Someone in my group got out a burger king crown to put on my head and someone else put a ring on my wedding finger. A lot of people took their time and spoke to my heart, gave me prophetic words or deep hugs as well. Particularly when the guys started to hug me it seemed to break and anchor deeper. That blog was written by guys.

I’ve been loved well before but never experienced anything like this. I’ve never so strongly felt Jesus dress Himself up in skin and come after me. I felt that I was good at vulnerability but I realised I was never vulnerable in my strength and I’m not usually vulnerable in weakness. I mean I tell people after I’ve conquered something. I often don’t feel like I want to be a burden but its also meant I’ve celebrated alone. It was the first few weeks of school the frame of reference for how I saw myself has changed in way I still can’t quite comprehend. I can’t even put words to the way I feel about the people who loved me so well. I’ve never been celebrated like that either. I’ve been told I look lighter and I know I feel so different. Several different people have stopped me to say they felt God telling them to tell me that again separately since. I feel it going into my heart for the first time.

I feel like I always want God to take something out and then but then He just makes it beautiful. I know God’s got more to show me but I now feel like this defining moment that once scared me so much has now seems to scream redemption.

I’ve never written a tribute before but if I were I would have written it to my revival group who I might remember more than that memory.

He’s rewriting my memories.