On my birthday someone overseas who I don’t know felt that God was speaking to them about me (long story).
They said: “I see wild horses, untamed and all colours, unpredictable.
I sense that you can count on the unpredictability in your life, this seems is “normal” to you. I am reminded of a song by Kevin Prosch where he sings ‘from harp in my heart…
…”You’re so unpredictable, God,just like the rhythm, the rhythm of weeping and my life is so upside down but you keep on coming, coming around You keep on loving’ “.
In 2009 I moved to Christchurch to study but I felt like God was in it too. It was one of the harder things I had ever done. I definitely didn’t know what I was in for when I planned it. I was cripplingly shy around people I hadn’t known for a long time, I had no family there. To be honest it probably still takes me a long time to get to know people. I decided I could do it with this plan in mind that I wouldn’t move anywhere else again because that would be too hard. Since then I’ve gone overseas a few times but it didn’t seem as bad. I knew I’d be back to Christchurch at the end of three months and back to something familiar.
A few people have told me that I need to settle down and querried God’s leading in me bouncing around like this. The funny thing is that ‘bouncing around’ is that’s not what I wanted for myself. Last year I had best part of a house contents all stored up ready to hopefully settle down someday. Then I felt God tell me to sell it all and go to Bethel. It was ridiculously exciting but the more I found that I was really attached to my belongings but mainly people.
Geographical distance does not mean ending a connection but it’s the end of a season and a closeness that can come from being in the same city or country. When I went to Amsterdam I wasn’t in the greatest space I’d ever been in and God was working through a lot of stuff in my heart. The people who were in my life group at the time took up an offering and gave ridiculously generously because they felt like they were propelling me into my destiny. It wrecked me. If something is going to connect your heart to something it’s probably grace poured out in the midst of your struggle. When people see the gold amongst the ashes and pull it out when others are passing by. I don’t even know if I would have done this for me. I don’t know if I would have seen anything in me.
Leaving has been breaking my heart but I told God I wanted more of Him at any cost. It’s been confirmed over and over again. I’ve been weighing up that cost over and over again for the last few months often I found it feeling heavy. So I guess I wanted God and I also wanted to set up shop for a while and get comfortable. It seems for me right now that I can’t have both. So that random person on the internet went on to say “it will not always be like this”, but until then stay strong’ because God is training you. They also said they saw a group of horses that moved with me, my close supporters moving with me. This was comforting to me because it turns out that I’m not alone and get to be able to share the journey with friends that I have across the world and they get to learn and grow too.
In what I know of God He is always moving and always doing some new (Isaiah 43:19). Whether thats a job, new city, country or friendship for that season. That looks different to every person. I don’t think I could compare it. “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit” (John 3:8). So I don’t have everything and all the whys and hows worked out but I think I just need to listen and obey.
But I’ve realised that while the connection isn’t the same I’m not alone and I get to take people with me. I felt like God told me that I needed to raise supporters like missionaries do to sustain my journey in more ways than financially. I realised that they get to be the horses that come with me as I move and they get to be blessed by it to. I get to pray for them and share with them what I am learning and what God is doing in me and through me, it’s beautiful and maybe they’ll become those closest to me. God never seems to move the way I expect but at least I’m not moving alone.