He loves my mess

I haven’t written in here for a while but its been on my mind for a while. I’m not going to update you on the last two years because that would be ridiculous but one thing hasn’t changed that much. I still seem better at getting words out on paper. It might be a bit different from before mainly because I’m not going to Amsterdam anymore.

I’ve been thinking and wrestling with stuff so I’ll try put some of it down here and maybe it will mean something to you.

You may have heard this story, I told a few people but it taught me a lot.

My health hasn’t been great this year. I’ve got sick quite a few times, like colds two weeks apart but also some stuff with my joints. I’ve been doing physio for a while and my joints aren’t the usual which makes things a challenge. I was chatting to my physio and she suggested that I go and see a chiropractor and recommended me one in particular who was also into natural health etc for improving immunity.

I figured if it was going to help I was all in so I went and saw him the next day.

It was pretty alternative to anything I’d experienced before but I had felt okay about the place when I went in. He’s a chiropractor but he’s also a kinesiologist and he was pretty quick to start testing muscle strength against somethings to see how things were affecting me. After a while he asked me if my physio had told me he was a witch doctor. I’d had no idea and i didn’t ask him much more about it. I was a bit confused as to what to make of it all. I booked in the next two appointments as you’re supposed to have three in the first week (money making? maybe) and then pondered for the next two days if it was the right thing to go back. The obvious answer would be no but I felt okay about it at that point.

So i was pondering this for the next few days, partially hilarious and partially scary and wondering if I should cancel the appointment and not go back. I actually emailed someone relatively well known in christian circles to see what his perspective was he got back to me quickly to say ‘sorry not sure’. So i had more questions than before I started.

So I was pondering this the day before I was due to go back and I felt God speak quite clearly. He asked me one question.

‘Can I come with you?’

I told God He was a mess because in my mind that was messed up and then I felt Him say ‘yeah, for you. I’m all about your messes’.

You see I had kind of missed something in the process. The fact that God wanted to be present in my pain and on my journey and honored my search for health with a sincere and desperate heart. There were no clear cut answers but just a promise He was with me and He cared about this process.

So I went back to the witch doctor and nothing really amazing happened in terms of God showing up or whatever but I was aware that He was with me and I started to realize that it was all about that.

He just wanted to be with me. He just wanted to be present in pain and in questions because He understands my weak frame (Psalm 103:14).

It’s hard to understand that God likes and accepts some of the parts of me that I don’t like about myself.

I heard Bill Johnson tell a story that brought this further home for me.

“I was in my office; it was a Sunday morning early. I would go over and pray and get ready for the day. I was worshiping the Lord and I saw as I was worshiping that my worship was putting a crown on his head. It was smooth, mirror-finish gold. I can see it to this day. When I moved my hands away there were fingerprints. I went, “Ah! My humanity scarred it again.”

I looked back and every fingerprint turned into a gem. I saw in that moment how he viewed — he wasn’t offended by my humanity. I was, but he wasn’t. That changed everything. We have this thing against our humanity in efforts to be spiritual that is actually foolish.”

I’ve been learning that God actually loves my humanity. That isn’t the same as loving my sin.

So it seems I found Jesus strangely present in my questions and my process, putting His hand on the wound and this strange understanding that He understands my need and is present in the places that I never thought I would find Him.

i kept going back to the chiropractor and eventually chatted with him about the whole witch doctor thing. I asked him what that meant to him and he laughed and told me he wasn’t one at all but rather that was what people called him because he was alternative. He laughed and told me he was a practicing Catholic and certainly not a witch doctor.

But I’ve learnt that God isn’t partial to some parts of me. He loves my mess.

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